"What is" is loving and caring for my mother. This action is very important to me, to be there for Mom in whatever way presents itself. Below is a gift that I cross-stitched for my mom many years ago and she still has it hanging on her wall.
At some point in each of our lives we realize that there is a shift in how our parents are doing. It can often catch us by surprise when we notice that one or both of our parents seem to have more challenges in navigating through their day or just managing the things of life. I have been taking care of my mom for a long time. This increased even more for me eight years ago! It is hard to know what to do or not to do when this happens. For my mom and I, we both recognized that moving her closer to me was in her best interest. I went to her condo which was about two hours away from me most weekends for three months to help her downsize from a two bedroom to a one bedroom. Each weekend I helped her sort through her belongings and decide what to keep. This was not easy. When time came to move, Tommy, our four daughters and I along with a truck and cars traveled to her home to move her closer. My brother and his wife helped us load up on that end since they lived around forty-five minutes from where she was living. The move was mostly smooth with a few rocky places here and there, but we accomplished our goal. At her new apartment about fifteen minutes away from me, a few of our friends met us there and helped us unload and place her furniture where she wanted it. I stayed for about five days getting everything where it needed to be and where she wanted it. I have moved her two more times as situations have presented themselves.
It is tough for me sometimes helping my mom with my medical challenges and she knows it. About a month or so ago, I had a full day of helping her. I was whipped and not doing well. The numbness and tingling throughout my body, fatigue and low back pain were zapping me. I was at my mom's apartment and she could tell. Mom can be sweet sometimes, "Make yourself a cup of that ginger tea with honey that you like which soothes you and get the ice pack out of the freezer for your back. Come sit beside me on the couch and prop your feet up on the ottoman. Take your medicine." And I did. As I closed my eyes, I took slow deep breaths as I felt the little sips of tea slide down my throat. My body started responding to the warmth of the ginger tea with honey calming me and inviting me to embrace this time of rest. With the warmth of the tea, the pain medication soon began to soften the intense pain in my lower back. Ahhh.... There are intermittent nice moments in this love and care that I’m called to do for my mother. My four daughters help "Nanny" sometimes when they can. They each come to help with cleaning her apartment, running errands, going to the grocery store just whatever needs doing as well as having special time with their grandmother. We have another person in this family dance of love, Tommy, our family "Mr. Fix It” Like a "Superhero" he swoops in when I have exhausted my skill set in the handyman department.
I have learned that Mom needs to know that everything is going to be okay, and that I am going to make sure of that. With me at the hub of this wheel she has nothing to worry about because she can trust me to be on top of everything needing to be accomplished.
Mom tried to care for me as a very young child. She tried to help me when each of my four children were born. She tried to help by staying with me in the hospital when I had to have my gall bladder out due to gallstone attacks three weeks after the birth of my third child. I learned that it is not uncommon to develop gallstones during pregnancy which I clearly did. At the time of the need for this mandatory surgery, I was in the joys of nursing my three week old baby girl. I told the surgeon that I wanted to have my baby with me while I was in the hospital. I refused to leave my newborn baby and not nurse her as she was accustomed. It was to my advantage that my surgeon also had a newborn baby that was nursing his wife. He completely understood my emotions and dedication to nursing my baby. I called Mom and we made a plan. Mom went with me and my newborn to the surgical suite. I nursed Candice, handed her to Mom then I was put under anesthesia for the removal of my gall bladder. Mom tried to give this baby who did not like the bottle a breast milk filled bottle while I was in surgery. Once I arrived into my hospital room, there she and Candice were both fit to be tied with frustration, Mom at trying to keep a hungry baby happy and Candice just mad because she wanted the breast and NOT the bottle. I was barely awake yet reached for my dear little one and nursed her. The room was a hush of silence and contentment for all. I had to stay overnight. My mom did stay with me and took care of Candice when I could not. Tommy was at home taking care of our other two daughters at the time, fourth daughter was not born yet.
I can easily get caught up with how inconvenient and tough it is to care for my mom because honestly sometimes it is. However, it is up to me what I do with these thoughts and ultimately my response. Do I allow these thoughts to linger and fester into unpleasant thoughts and bitterness or do I connect and approach with my heart. I remind myself that she does not like this anymore than I do. I always aim to find the groove of helping her without control. It is what it is. We both struggle in this caring partnership and try to navigate the waves of ups and downs as best we can. I certainly have emotional uncertainties of coping with my own needs, fears and what the future holds. There are times neither of us are happy with each other. Sometimes there is no right and wrong here, no black and white. There are only shades of gray. There are sometimes situations that are so murky that it is difficult to know just what to do. Over the years there has been an unspoken understanding that we are in this together and love prevails over all. When I have rocky moments I remember unconditional love. I help my mother and give of myself graciously.
I love my mom. I am my mom's advocate. I let God lead me.
With love,
Lisa
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